I need a plan.
I mean, I have a plan. I’m just terribly impatient.
I have been in the process of redoing myself, my life, for at least the past six months.
This has involved (and I know this sounds so cliche, like a meme a bored housewife or 15 year old girl with a pink bedroom would post) removing the toxic relationships from my life. I say “relationships” here and not just “people” because it takes two to tango.
If you have a toxic person in your life, you’re doing something wrong yourself.
This self-growth has also required an intense scrutiny of my perceptions about the world around me. How has my upbringing informed me of how I should live, and does this match up with how I actually want to live?
Well, it didn’t match up. So I changed it.
I want to live well, and I want to define this for myself.
This brings me to my next point. I have this insatiable desire to rebel against EVERYTHING. This is the part of me that will take the longest to dull down to a healthy level, if I ever even can.
This rebellion comes in many different forms. One of these forms is my desire to completely deconstruct every single form of government, authority, social constructs and behaviors, and form my own rules about life because why not empower the individual to stand on her own? Why SHOULD I listen to nonsense capitalist market-driven, profit-motive rules, old white men who I have never met and never will meet, and archaic sexist property rights-influenced ideals of romance and marriage? For those who don’t know, marriage is literally about property rights. Thanks, law school.
Fuck that. I will define for myself my life, my person, my spirit, my desires. If I want to become a slave to those desires then so fucking be it. If I choose to get married (which I doubt) it will be because I have decided I am ok with it being about property rights.
I refuse to allow these ideals to overtake me and fall victim to this brain-dead pumpkin spice zombie apocalypse which has overcome us.
I refuse to be brain-dead like so many are. Because these systems, which are designed to pacify the simpleton majority, are set in place so well I see so many people just floating about not feeling passion, not questioning the world around them, not questioning themselves.
I see so many people who aren’t about something.
I would rather kill myself than live my life like a jellyfish, just floating idly with no direction, no passions, no questions, no violence, no love. People like that make me fucking sick.
My rebellion also comes in more subversive tones. I drive like a bat out of hell in a car fit for a drug dealer and sometimes I do drugs and party and yell and fall down and push people around and when I wake up the next day I do thank “god” but I also curse the fucking sun for being so bright and splitting my head open like a coconut.
I drink like a fish and curse like a sailor and I’ve got a criminal record and “I wouldn’t trade one stupid decision for another five years of life.” -LCD Soundsystem
My plan is to continue living well, continue following my dreams. I want to keep questioning myself. I want to know more and more about myself and this means I have to keep pushing my boundaries and sometimes I just have to tear those boundaries down all together.
Sometimes, you just have to go down the rabbit hole.
RIP Shandy, my Momma Lioness